Babi

Aku dahlah susah nak nampak dia study. Aku faham kepala kusut tu tengah bertambah kusut, tapi jangan lepaskan kemarahan tu pada orang. Aku mmg taknak tgk muka dia. Jijik aku tengok muka dia. Aku rasa jijik. Apa maksud dia "aku ada hal sendiri jugak" hal apa? Study group? Lepak? Pub? Minum arak? Aku mmg tak percaya kalau dia study group. Sbb orang tu, penuh kesetanan. Sesat. Banyak setan. Tak solat. Zikir pun tak. Istighfar pun tak. Salah lemat Tuhan pun dia tak percaya. Apa dia percaya? Duit. Kekayaan. Kesenangan. Lepastu ckp aku ni diberi kesenangan. Tang mana? Aku anggap kesenangan yg aku dpt as a part of rewarding myself. Aku dah berusaha, aku berjaya. Tang mana aku senang lenang mintak apa2? Aku tak merungut kalau tak dpt sesuatu. Aku redha. Bukan menunjuk tapi sepatutnya kita mcm tu. Cara kau, kau bersenang lenang habiskan duit ayah. Kalau kau buat dosa, Allah je mampu balas. Biarlah Allah balas dosa kau dgn balasan yg sepatutnya. Astaghfirullah. Astaghfirullah. Aku tak percaya dia takde kelas. Sbb dia tu kaki tipu. Kaki perempuan. Kaki pukul. Panas baran. Ya Allah. Aku dh tak tahan dh dgn lelaki mcm tu. Kalau aku dpt laki mcm tu, mmg terang2 aku tuntut cerai kt mahkamah. Kau dgn "biasa sgt dgn senang" pergi mampus.

A dream is just a dream

I never stop hoping that someday, things would get better. This family will finally be a happy family like other families do. But I guess a dream is just a dream. My parents arents like other parents. Why?

1st: a Mother instinct is strong but there's never once my mother came to comfort me when she knew that her child just cried. 

2nd: Mom and Dad relationship should be harmony. But not my mom and dad. They barely talk with each other in a year. 

3rd: When parents saw children fighting? What should parents do? I dont know. Because all my mom and dad does is dad to find mom's fault and mom to nag on and on.

4th: my brother is a douchebag and a hot-tempered person. So whenever he is mad, all it goes to me. I am the fault. He's always right. To mom, I'm always the wrong one.

5th: they treat me like I hv no feelings. Just because I'm the youngest. "Perangai ko tu yg bajet bagus" at which part? Because all this time I thought you were the one who has bossing people around? Excuse me? I am the multi-tasker!

6th: Mom never likes me. Only dad cares about me. Why? Bcs she always wins brother. Abang mmg satu2nya anak dia. Dia taknampak yg abang tu jd pemalas. She spoiled him. Aku ni bukan anak dia. Tapi dia tetap mak aku. Takkan aku nak tinggalkan dia?

7th: "ko tu budak! Ko tak sedar ko ada abang kakak". I've always hated this sentence.

All I want is to leave this house. And just work hard for myself. To be on my own. And to show them that I can do it. I will someday leave this house and the last thing I'll ever think of is my brother. That's the last straw. I will salam cium tangan but I will not ask his favour anymore, nor I will ever talk to him sampai kiamat.

Rant

I dont wanna hate my mom but I just cant stand how she can be soooo berat sebelah. 

As a child, I'm hurt. I know I hv good terms with dad sbb I talk with him more often. But I talk with my mom lg byk. I grew up with her for 17 years. Jumpa ayah pun sekejap but whatever it is she will always lebihkan abang. 

I know I'm being such a brat but that is the majority of parents mistakes. Mom always lebihkan abg smpai dia jd spoil brat. Dia lelaki. Patutnya help more in the house but instead dia jd typical lelaki melayu yg mengharapkan ada bini untuk buat other housework while dia cuma cari duit (just like my dad)((the worst side of him lah)) cuma dia tu belum kahwin. Solat pun susah ada hati nak kahwin!?!?

Kalau aku punya bakal suami perangai mcm tu, Mmg aku tak kahwin lah. Aku rela duduk bersendirian and just mind my own business kalau dpt lelaki mcm haram I am so sorry!! Nu-uh. Orang mcm tu baik cari hamba abdi je lah. Kalau ada bini, mmg merana lah bini selagi dia tak ubah perangai. Kalau ada bini pun aku harap bini dia tinggalkan dia. Tp aish, mcm jahat sgt pulak. Takpelah aku doa dia dpt bini yg dpt sabar dgn perangai dia yg mcm haram tp asalkan bini dia tak teraniaya.

My mom pun satu. Dia, mmg lack of communication lah dgn ayah. I swear. Lepastu bila org tegur, dia marah. Mula kata aku je rasa diri aku betul. Padahal aku kalau buat salah aku mengaku. Dia? Smpai bila2 pun takkan mengaku. Aku sbgai anak, kena dgr dia punya complain non-stop. Kalau tak puas hati then terus trg kt ayah. Ive done it many time and ayah ok je. Mama yg takut sgt dgn ayah. Belakang ayah bukan main ckp besar. Berterus-terang pun takut. 

Kalau mcm ni, mmg keluarga kita ni takkan harmoni. Takkan bahagia. Perangai mak mcm tu, perangai ayah mcm tu. Ayah pun satu, cepat melenting gak kadang. Mmglah betul tp kadang kiat menuduh jugak. 

Sedih bila fikirkan. I just want a family yg bahagia, mak ayah mesra. Kasih sayang mak sama rata. Tp, mmg smpai bila2 takkan dptlah. Sbb susah nk ubah org. Lagilah yg umur veteran mcm mama ngn ayah. Nak taknak just tolerate jelah dgn perangai diorg.

Maybe someday I will create my own family. And I will make sure, that everything is well balanced. Kasih sayang rata pd anak2 semua. Me and my husband will be bestfriends. I must. Semoga Allah beri jodoh yg baik2. Yg akan jaga dan layan saya sebaiknya. Kerana aku sebagai isteri juga adalah seperti pakaian suami.

2015 highlights

- I quitted Unimap and go fir Professional accounting

- I talked back to Kamil and explain after 10 years of not talking

- I fought again with Amir but got back together  on October

- I'm still single throughout the year

- I confessed to Azim but he rejected me silently.

- I met few new person in my life

- I failed 2 test and repeated. One paper passed and the other failed again.

- the year that Ping ping died.

- the year I went to Universal Studio Singapore

- The year I took home Token

- The longest year I've ever felt.

2016

It's okay if this year I dont get a partner, i will try again the next year and the next. but I've prayed to Allah. I think this year is gonna be tough but it's gonna be good. :)

The boy in my Faculty

There this one boy in my faculty. He is tall just like Azim. But he's a lot handsome than Him. He acts like him, His attitude is like him. His body are just like him. Maybe that's what makes me attracted to him. He seems reliable. The first time I started to feel attracted to him because he's like Azim's twin but as days pass by, he doesnt look like him at all a part of being tall. When U start to hv interest pn someone, u'll start to look up to him. So i'm starting to hv butterflies when I see him and horny and shit. Because I love that kind of body. A little buff and tall. Yes. But I'm not sure how long this will last.....

#PingTheCat

It has been a while since the last time I dreamt abt you Ping. Last Sunday, I opened my window and saw ur grave just right beneath. I said hi but then I fell asleep. You came to my dream meowing, playing at an old abandon ruins of building. I hugged you and asked you where hv u been. I touched ur stomach, and it was as hard a rock. Ping, i miss you. It felt terribly bad when I didnt say a proper goodbye. I'm sorry Ping. I love you.